Taking a break from the totally serious and 100% professionalism that I apparently exude with every word, you know, aside from talk about punching babies and death by koopa troopas, let’s take a few minutes and discuss the hilarity that could possibly be a few characters from the gaming world, were they to actually exist, alongside their gadgets.

I was lying down a minute ago, snuggling my cat, when the thought crossed my mind: “What would really happen to Rico Rodrigquez using that grappling bracer he lugs around?”

Would he be the verile tower of muscle and third-world freedom he usually is? Likely not. Would he still be the high-flying, million-parachute man that he’s been for three games now? Again, unlikely. Considering the number of bullets he’s absorbed over the countless thousands of playthroughs from his adoring fans, I’d say he probably has either entirely been encased in lead, possibly as a statue somewhere, grappled to the back of a car and being dragged like a metal skidmark over the hills of Panama, or whatever country he is attempting to liberate in the next sequel.

Furthermore, his parachute. How in God’s name does that thing deploy, repack, and redeploy over and over and over again?! Gravity aside, the thought of a parachute that can pack, unpack, and repack makes concepts like the squirrel suits of today seem old and tired. More likely, in Rico’s case, he’d be faceplanted into a farmer’s field somewhere, having only desired to liberate the poor landworker from a few ears of corn, tragically suffering from a case of tootsie rolled paracord and silken life.

And Snake? A cardboard box? No wonder these private military firms never get any respect! They can’t tell the difference between a bikini-clad blonde on the side of a box, versus one dumb enough to be in a bikini in the middle of Afghanistan warzones? What kind of employment requirements are there these days? “Oh, you’re wearing a bikini, clearly you’re not a threat.” Then genius wanders off from the giggling cardboard box, not giving it a second thought? Furthermore, the Fulton extraction device, as used in Metal Gear Solid 5, seems a skosh on the extreme side.

Let’s just a tie a balloon to this guy, then wait for a somehow-always-orbiting plane to stop by, snatch him up into the air at several times the fatal level of G-forces, and seemingly instantly deliver him to a faraway location in the Seychelles, shall we? Makes total sense to me.

Now, shifting gears a bit, lets talk about technology gone berserk, and how I actually feel it would have been used by most employees.

Assassin’s Creed’s “Animus.” A brain-reading device that the Templars are using in order to hunt down relics of a bygone era, in order to rule the world? Why don’t they just rule the world with the Animus? Lying people on a brain-scanning table, where they could spend their days reliving their most cherished moments. The experimental years of college, with miscellaneous drugs, unlabeled, in plastic baggies, epic parties that got friends arrested and burned down houses, the night they took home the hot redhead from the bar for a frolicking night of boundless, no-strings passion?

No, hunt down your ancestors, then we’ll kill you when we’re done with you.

What a business model.

Darius in Red Faction: Armageddon had one of the most amusing, yet pointless, abilities I’ve ever seen in a game. The Nano-Forge, a device strapped to the heroes wrist, was designed to reverse any and all destruction done to the world around the character. Blow up a building, put it back together, blow up the path you need to get through, more nano-ducttape. It seemed as though Volition was saying “Here, go nuts. When you’re done checking out our decent destruction engine, put this place back, all nice and neat, and move on. Don’t leave a mess!”

No, when I blow shit up, I want it to lie there in smoldering ruins, telling the next person to come through and I was here, I am now gone, and I am CRABBY, damn it!

Ethan from Watch Dogs had probably the most amazing phone on Earth. The ability to literally hack anyone’s life, the entire city, cars, buildings, cameras, you name it. I spent hours just walking around in Watch Dogs, stealing bank accounts, trolling people on the street with fake phone calls and text messages, and blowing up various things like fire extinguishers and transformers just to watch people go nuts, then force a traffic light to change, adding to the mayhem.

Am I the only one who ponders the opportunities? I’d be doing all of that too, and then some! Even if there was no real benefit to it, just the thought of that much power in a cell phone boggles the mind. Ethan’s rap sheet had to be miles long with all the information gathered, money stolen, and property razed over the time he was in Chicago. The city should have collapsed under his crime spree.

And finally, let’s discuss that unfortunate soul who had to clean up all the messes in Viscera Cleanup Detail: Shadow Warrior. What a job.

“Hey Bobby, that ninja guy was through the museum last night. We need you to go in there and clean up after him. Nothing short of 100% perfect will be accepted.”

What a poor bastard Bobby, or whatever his name, was. Spending an entire night scrubbing down blood and guts from the walls, picking up body parts and tossing them in buckets, dropping everything into the world’s most incredible incinerator, destroying literally dozens of bodies in seconds, only to pop the door open again, waiting for the next deposit like some hungry infernal demon. A machine that instantly generated buckets of water from seemingly nowhere? Christ, why do I pay for water if I could have one of those?! Why haven’t we dispersed those to countries without clean, running water? Why are we still using this to clean up and blood and guts when we could be solving part of the world hunger crisis?

I realize it’s all a game, and none of this is really all that important. But it’s hysterical to think that while we do it in games and give it such little thought, the practical application of the things we’re doing is nothing short of gut-clenching-laughter-hilarious.

Happy hunting!

–Jimmy

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